366 Ripples

Day 366: The End And The Beginning, Or, How Do You Measure A Year, Or, Reflections Of A Hero In Training

2008-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

So, here we are. The final day. An extra day in comparison to the three years behind us and ahead of us. What did I do today? I stayed inside and enjoyed Chi's company. I didn't do a good deed. Today is a day of rest tacked on to a year of work. A day to reflect, to reminisce, to focus on myself instead of others and bring balance to the equation. Plus, having done 365 days of good deeds, it's now appropriate to use these lyrics:

525,600 minutes,
525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes:
How do you measure,
Measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee?
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife?
In 525,600 minutes - how do you
Measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love.
Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes!
525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes -
How can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or
The way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends:
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends!
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love. Seasons of love!

How will I measure this year? In deeds done? Money and goods donated? People helped? I think instead I'll measure in terms of me and my relationships, the things that I'd argue are more valuable and also harder to put value on.

First off, I'm going to evaluate how I did in terms of meeting the goals established when I started this project. I wanted to get out of the shell that so many of us enclose ourselves in. I wanted to become more proactive and more reactive instead of being inactive. To this extent I believe I've definitely made strides. I kept a lot of my deeds confined to my friends and family, and I am not sorry that i looked after them, although I believe I could've done more to help strangers. However, leaving sleeping homeless people meals, putting toilet paper in bathroom stalls and intervening in a relationship argument are signs to me that I've gotten bolder. I wanted to integrate into my consciousness the thought "How can I help?" I've accomplished that task as well, though on some days I had to think back carefully to find something good that I did. Having to live a normal life in addition to this project, some days I found myself so occupied that I had to stretch things a bit. A nice side effect of trying to alter my consciousness is that I noticed that my helpful nature integrated into my subconscious; I would look back on a day and think to myself "Oh hey! I did this thing and it turns out that was a good deed! That was pretty cool." Overall, I'm glad that the adventure is coming to a close, because sometimes it was stressful trying to think of what good deed I could do in Baker, Nevada. However, I can be confident that most days, when I come home and take off my shoes, I know that the world is in my view just a little bit better than it would have been if I hadn't gotten up in the morning.

Now, how have all these do-good efforts impacted me? It's tough to find a place to begin. I've learned a lot over the past year, which I feel inclined to share with those of you who have essentially read the diary of a hero-in-training for a year and want to know where he's at versus where he was. First of all I learned of the intense amount of willpower and potential I have. By doing good deeds, writing, and talking to Chi, I have found mirrors into my soul. After discovering things that I wanted to change about myself, its taken my will to make it happen. I have so much more courage than I had a year ago to face myself, to be willing to deal with the gut-punch that comes with the realization of making mistakes and to not let that ugly feeling paralyze me from taking action. I have a few good quotes from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on the subject:

"You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went; you can swear and curse the fates - but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. "

"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

We have to do our best to let go of our past mistakes. We can't forget the past, so we have to take that baggage, pack it up, and MOVE FORWARD! We can't get back the people of the past; we all face certain changes as time moves on. We have to cherish the memories of the people we've known and loved, and do our best to love the people in our lives now. Let's try not to dwell too much on negative things, because it's not enjoyable and with a finite amount of time to live, we should try hard to make the best out of it. Develop the will and courage to find those mirrors into your soul and pursue that makeover you know need.

Something else I've learned about is balance. Balancing different elements in life is difficult and essentially impossible for any substantial length of time. There are thousands of factors pushing us in different directions and moving us away from the equilibrium we desire. But, we can push back. Balance is important because too much of anything isn't healthy, be it junk food, work, play, or even devotion. However, just because extremes have unhealthy elements, that doesn't mean a life must be lived completely in the gray area. If you work hard, make the effort to reward yourself with some quality relaxation time. If you're devoted to something or someone, don't do so at the complete expense of yourself. And with that, I'll move on to relationships.

The people I've known this year have been amazing. I'm happy that I have this journal of a year in my life, to help me remember some people who made an impact in my life. I'm happy to know every friend and acquaintance, but there are definitely some people who really left an impression on me. Billy, and old best friend grown distant. Karla, the free spirit. Adrina, an admirer and confidant. Matt, a big kid who's finally growing up. Daniel, the big brother. Travis, the little brother. Missy, the compassionate soul. Ryan, the tragic anti-hero. Gabriel, a fallen angel looking for his muse and the art that will save others. Adam, slowly progressing. Cory, thus unsuccessful, but realistic and loyal. Omar, a kind heart, a good friend, unrealized potential. My dad, flawed but loving, I'll carry on my vision of how to make our family better, as per what I believe are the wishes lying deep within your damaged heart. My mom, a great companion, a survivor, a shoulder to cry on, the point of light when the world looks dark. And of course, Chi, my soulmate, my equal, my teacher and student, my best friend, my love. Words are inadequate to explain the unique bond I have with you, one that is stronger than any other, one will keep us together always. Your wisdom has helped me find out many things about myself, your support has helped bolster my courage to change. I appreciate what you've done, and I will continue to do what I can for you. You helped me realize something very simple about relationships that I had neglected to see until the last week or so. A relationship is a connection between two people, symbiotic connection. To be truly selfless is to not care about one's self, which is to destroy one's self. This destroys all relationships that a selfless person has hurts the other parties involved. The most important balance in life, in my opinion, is the balance between love for self and the love for others. For those that want a more peaceful world, for those that want a more compassionate society, for those that want families to be more loving and communities more involved and individuals more caring, start with yourself. You can change others through your actions, but the only person you truly have control over is yourself. Don't get so caught up on the problems of the world and the desire to fix them that you don't love yourself. You should love yourself so much that you want to become a better person. Perfection doesn't exist, but it's great because it's subjective and it gives humans something to constantly strive for.

This blog is done, but I've just begun. I'm going to continue on, doing what I can to make the world better to me by the time I have to go than it was when I arrived. But, I'm going to enjoy myself, pursue personal goals, and continue to refine my ideas and my actions. Those are my New Year's Resolutions. For those of you who wish to follow me and join in my efforts to do good, I'm working on changing and upgrading my blog, Think.Hope.Act. to become an action center where we can build a movement. The project is over, but I've just started. I've made the ripples, and now it's time for me to act as a leader and bring people into action so that we may make waves. I hope you'll stay with me and get others involved. I leave you with a summary of my sentiments in the form of another quote from Benjamin Button:

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Day 365: Double Team

2008-12-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today Chi and I donated some things. Our clothes and her shoes and bags went to Goodwill, while my movies and her books went to a local library. I'm looking forward to tidying up my room. I really enjoy living more simply.

Day 364: Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe

2008-12-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

For the sake of privacy, this blog must be extremely vague. I took a friend to take care of a personal matter today and helped them out monetarily.

Day 363: Tidy Up

2008-12-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I helped my mom with a few chores around the house, including laundry and trash/recycling.

So far so good in terms of my epiphany. Since that night Chi and I are in good spirits and I feel more whole than I had been feeling beforehand. By looking after myself, I'm also doing a better job of looking after Chi and keeping our bond strong.

Also, I'm really looking forward to writing my final blog, for a few reasons which shall be explained in said blog.

Day 362: Pain and Perseverence

2008-12-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

Sounds like the title of a Jane Austen novel. Anyway, today I took Chi ice skating. She's talked about it before and has recently gotten especially re-interested in practicing. I had never gone ice skating before. Once I got some stable skates on, it wasn't that bad, especially in comparison to my memories of learning to roller blade. By the time we had finished, my skin was raw in a few places and my muscles burned, but I had made progress. It felt good. I'm not super interested in ice skating, but I am interested in being able to at least keep up with Chi on the ice. Therefore, I will improve. One thing I'm proud of is the fact that I have become more open to trying new things and making as ass of myself in front of others. And while part of me hates being around other people, I appreciate the fact that it helps fuel my desire to improve. I will learn to skate and I will be a proficient ballroom dancer on at least the most basic competition level. After ice skating I went skateboarding and then had to warm Chi up after she froze watching me and Omar practice. I felt bad about that, in hindsight I should've put her precarious wellness above my desire to exercise and show off.

Day 361: Oversight Corrected

2008-12-26T23:59:00.000-08:00

After almost an entire year, I have failed to donate any money towards the distribution of mosquito nets! That situation is now rectified. If you want to help the cause, go to Nothing But Nets and join my team, Think.Hope.Act. It's a mere 10 dollars, or one good meal, to help keep a family safe from malaria and other diseases.

Day 360: Family Reunion

2008-12-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Chi and I had stayed up late and woke up late. After going through presents, which took very little time because most of us had given gifts in advance, we had our traditional Christmas waffles (I always have mine with ice cream on top!). Chi and I essentially lazed about the house, watching The Office, which has quickly become one of my favorite shows. Later we went and got Fatburger for my dad (my mom had already eaten). Their Veggie Burgers are amazingly delicious; I could become a vegetarian with food like that around.

Also, today I found my cousin on Facebook. We haven't talked in years but he's always been my favorite cousin (not that I have tons to choose from). It's long overdue that we try and catch up with each other.

Day 359: Found

2008-12-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

How fortunate! It seems that I've had a nearly miraculous turnaround. After a long discussion with Chi, I seem to have tapped into something. I've been bouncing in and out of depression for a while now, unable to find a middle ground, unable to cope, unable to see my path. I didn't know if I was doing the right or wrong thing, and I didn't know who I was. I was lost. But talking to Chi, honestly the one person I feel I can call my equal, allowed me to find myself this morning. I used to put her up on a pedestal and give her too much credit, but even being realistic Chi has been one of the most helpful people I've ever known. She's helped me figure out things when I was having trouble figuring them out on my own. She's helped me apply my willpower to make myself better. I was so appreciative that I made a mistake, and surrendered my will to her. I gave so much, for various reasons, that I left myself incomplete and damaged. But now I've fixed myself. I feel a more permanent strength. I see my own desires and goals, and I can face realities without fear now. I'm still far from perfect, but I'm improved, and I can finally see that I am making personal progress. Now I don't need blind faith. I have a feeling again, the feeling that everything is going to be alright.

Day 358: Blood, Books, Water, Needles

2008-12-23T23:59:00.000-08:00

I got up this morning and gave blood. United Blood Services has a special deal through the end of the year where they were giving away Penn and Teller tickets. I gave 2 pints of red blood cells. I know why so many people don't give blood; it sucks. You have a needle in your arm and, especially in the case of giving red blood cells, can feel the life force leaving you. In return you get your white blood cells, platelets, and plasma in a cold saline solution. But hey, who said giving blood is supposed to be fun? It's the right thing to do. Plus in return you get free snacks and gifts.

After that, I went across the street and put some things in a Big Brothers Big Sisters donation bin. I remember almost a year ago when I dropped some stuff off in one of these bins as one of my early good deeds. Anyway, I donated some clothing and school supplies, as well as (randomly enough) hundreds of flag lapel pins. I would have donated a Monopoly game as well but I hadn't taped the box shut.

Later in the evening, I went and got a flu shot, which I've been procrastinating far too long and which my mother asked me to do. I've had my share of needles for today.

Finally, I took Chi to see La Reve. My dad somehow scored tickets to a free and exclusive dress rehearsal so we went to see it and it was amazing. It was a combination of dance, acrobatics, and synchronized swimming that was a true spectacle. It was the best show that either one of us had seen in town, which is impressive.

Overall, I must say that it was a good day.

Day 357: Retrieve and Return

2008-12-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I picked up Gabriel from the airport. After that we went and played Dungeons and Dragons together.

Day 355: Dancing Machine

2008-12-20T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I took Chi dancing. I'm in bad shape right now. When I allow myself to have a good time I am quickly left disappointed and dejected; other times I find myself void of feeling altogether. Something has to change, and it won't be Chi. It's hard to be a hero in a world so unjust. It's hard to be the light of humanity when you're surrounded by darkness. It's hard to love after receiving cruelty in return.

Day 354: Life Force

2008-12-19T23:59:00.000-08:00

I picked up Chi from the airport this morning. I had planned to surprise her with her friends but unfortunately it didn't work out at all. Additionally, Chi was super stressed out due to almost missing her flight. Later in the evening, I treated her to a Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concert. It was upsetting that there was so little dancing space at a concert where a dance band is playing. At any rate, I think she had a good time.

Chi seems really distant. I hope we can work things out soon.

Day 353: Who Needs Who

2008-12-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a face to face conversation with Adrina. She's been through things that I can't even relate to, and I feel that she wants advice and comforting and while mine seems to work I can't help but feel that I'm not qualified to dispense with such things. She's one of the only people I've confessed myself to, told her about my insecurities and deeper thoughts. She feels like she is a burden on me, and I feel the opposite. I'm going through a crisis and, like most crises, I don't know how to get out of it. I suppose the key is to stay alive. I've got thoughts and feelings that I'm having difficulty reconciling and it seems that sadness follows me and consumes me when I'm idle. Have I gone on this journey for almost an entire year only to find that I've lost myself?

Day 352: Christmastime is Here?

2008-12-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I assembled and lighted our Christmas tree. It's been around as long as I have. We've waited a lot longer than usual to put it up and my mom was worried because today was her last day off and she didn't know when it would get done. I did it in one sitting to ease her mind. While working on this, Travis and I discussed my next project, which readers will soon discover...

It doesn't feel like this time of year. Where have the feelings gone? All I find right now are dark emotions. Sadness in a mother's eyes, longing and loss in words spoken and unspoken, regret and remorse having a bittersweet reunion at the Heartbreak Hotel. I wonder if things will get better when Chi arrives. I suppose I should've expected when I gave a piece of myself away that I'd have to deal with the nagging emptiness left in its stead.

Day 351: Two Years, 40,000 miles

2008-12-16T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I went and picked up my friend and fellow gamer Ben from his house. Ben got surgery earlier in the day on his ingrown toenails, and hence was not in a condition to drive. After that, I took my friend Josh to pick up his car...on the other side of town. Then I took Ben to get some dinner before all of us reconvened at Josh's house for Dungeons and Dragons.

It's things like this (and the fact that I have lost count of the number of driving-related good deeds I've done) that have put so many miles on my car. At this rate it will be done for in 3 years. Hopefully by then I'll have sold it and moved to a place with good biking and/or public transit.

Day 350: Futon

2008-12-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I left my weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons so that I could help my mom move in my new futon. I think it's the first material good worth over 50 dollars that has been directed my way all year. I got it because I thought it would be nice to have a full size bed and because I was sick of sleeping on air mattresses that would deflate after a few months.

Day 356: Volatility

2008-12-14T23:59:00.001-08:00

Today I bought Chi a ballroom dress. In other news, I'm completely unstable. I'm emotionally hurting all the time. I'm completely confused about what to do, what is right, what is wrong, how I should live. Would someone tell me?

Day 349: Birthday

2008-12-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today was on the whole a fairly underwhelming, lonely day. I spent the first few hours of the day with my friends, which was quite enjoyable. I woke up when Chi called me to talk about herself for 10 minutes before her phone died. She didn't call back until hours later, when I sent her an email informing her she was in trouble. She couldn't think of why. It was because she hadn't wished me a Happy Birthday. I suppose I had violated my own code in expecting a little more from her, but it still hurt. How does one forget their best friend's birthday for 15 hours, with no text, no message, no phonecall? Also, Adrina was freaking out once again about her ex, so I talked her through that a bit but my heart wasn't all the way into it. I suppose everybody has their bad days, when they have trouble keeping themselves together let alone looking out for others. How ironic that it was my birthday that left me feeling so alone and self-centered.

Day 348: Put on a Happy Face

2008-12-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I helped write up a grant application for the group Carita Feliz. The group was started by one of Chi's peers at George Washington University, who had traveled to Guatemala as a volunteer and ended up helping a school and daycare in a small village that was struggling to stay open. She started a group on-campus dedicated to helping the school and village as the only outside support group. Chi is helping write grant applications for the group and due to the intensity of her finals preparations and the impending due dates for a couple of grants, I filled out the grant questions to my fullest capability. I've been consistently offering to help Chi in any way possible, and if it's using my extremely modest grant writing skills, then so be it. It was nice, actually, because I got a clearer concept of the group and the village than I had from Chi telling me and it felt in a way pure. I was trying to get money that would go directly to helping people, without middlemen or the need to pay staff. I suppose over the last half year especially I've come to the opinion that helping people should never be a business; it should be a way of life.

Day 347: Turkey Day

2008-12-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

I left work a little early to attend a work-related event. It was a community fair, and a couple of state legislators were passing out turkeys to the people that showed up at the event. I knew a couple of people at the table and made friends with a local Assemblyman. As the legislators either went to talk to other people or left altogether, I ended up behind the table passing out turkeys to people. It was cool, because it was so organic and I just sort of took a position despite essentially being a stranger to most of the people at the table. It felt really nice giving people a turkey that they could cook for a nice Christmas meal in a neighborhood that is economically downtrodden.

Day 346: The HoJo

2008-12-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today, Meredith dropped by the office and her, Marco, and myself went to a Cuban restaurant in a nearby Howard Johnson. I paid for Meredith's lunch. It's really unfortunate that she's jobless during a time when jobs are disappearing like crazy. Luckily due to the high turnover rate at nonprofits there should be options coming up with moderate regularity.

Day 345: Finals

2008-12-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today was the last day of school for me. I'm now done until next calendar year! I crammed online for my economics test, finally turned in my internship essays a mere 5 days (3 business days) late, and turned in my other test. Today was also the last day of the conference, and I actually worked late and manned the phones at the office while others worked from home. Sure, I was mostly studying, but as my friend Launce once said, just showing up is a major part of working.

Day 344: Book Smarts

2008-12-09T23:59:00.000-08:00

I arrived at the conference an hour late due to the fact that I was working furiously on essays that were past due. This afternoon I used the lunch break of the conference to go to UNLV and give an acquaintance the answers I had for a final. Our final was a take-home test, and I had already helped the guy before. He was very appreciative and afterward I went to the UNLV bookstore to buy a microeconomics textbook so I could study. I learned tonight, to my ultimate dismay, that I had in my hurry laid out over a hundred dollars on a MACROeconomics textbook. I knew that the stuff I was reading was too interesting...

Day 343: Overdrive

2008-12-08T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'm really stressed out right now. It's finals week, the culmination of a semester that I have in many respects blown off. In addition, there's a conference in town today that our office must have a presence at. I thought that all the bases were covered today until my coworker called in and said that she couldn't be at the conference today due to her still broken hand. I therefore stepped in. I wasn't needed as a volunteer, and the first day of the conference was light, but the result was that I worked 11 hours because I had no clue that I'd be staying late to help out my coworker. I will go into tomorrow very tired, with more schoolwork that needs to be done and two full days of this conference ahead of me.

Day 342: I'm Here To Recruit You

2008-12-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I took Adrina to go see Milk. I thought the subject matter was awesome but I didn't like how the film was put together. The acting was also superb, but I couldn't help but feel that the movie didn't meet it's full potential. It is particularly poignant today to see the power of pioneers. Harvey Milk was an impressive figure and a hero to the people he looked out for. The movie should also motivate people to act out for gay rights. I had to drive 15 miles to see the film because I'm boycotting Cinemark Theaters due to their CEO's support of proposition 8.

Day 341: Downtown Anytown

2008-12-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

This morning I attended the Camp Anytown reunion. I offered to help the kids that were there with any volunteer projects or ideas that they had, but nobody seemed enthused. That is my one major issue with the camp, is that it really drops the ball after the camp is done in terms of keeping kids involved and putting them into action. After the reunion, the staff went and had a debriefing session where we talked about each element of the camp and how it might be tweaked. After that, I decided to spend some extra time with a few of the staff people, so I went to dinner with them. It was overall a very lovely time although it ate up an entire jet-lagged day. It was the reason I came back to Vegas as soon as I did.

Day 340: Girl Interrupted

2008-12-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

This morning, I woke up when my roommate Brad freaked out. We had 30 minutes to get to our destination, which we found takes 15 minutes under perfect circumstances. We made ourselves appear presentable and took off and got there just in time. The final day for the fellows was fairly moving, and I hope that I run into some of my new friends again in the near future. We finished our debrief sessions early but unfortunately our airport shuttles arrived early, so I was unable to see Chi and say goodbye to her, which upset me substantially. At the airport, I had dinner with 3 of my other fellows before taking off. I did some schoolwork on the plane; once I finish the semester I feel like I can start moving forward on other things. It seems to be a tradition that my dad will find a problem with his smorgasbord of technology while I'm away, and I always have to fix it immediately upon my return. But hey, it was my good deed for the day, so I'm not complaining.

Day 339: With My One Last Gasping Breath

2008-12-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today ran me over. Up till almost 5 with Chi, one hour nap, get showered, get dressed, walk back to hotel with my luggage. Eat breakfast and leave. Spend the next 12 hours in a barrage of activism. It was both a learning experience and an endurance test. Chi got lost trying to come visit me at the hotel. When she got there, we ordered food and I fell asleep. She didn't want to risk missing class tomorrow so she decided not to spend the night. I'm kind of upset about that, after having sacrificed sleep and the well-being of my legs to spend time with her. She also wanted me to walk her to 19th street so that she could navigate back to her dorm. So, I threw on a sweater and walked her down a few blocks. I find it hilarious that I can find my way around the city better than her. She seems distant. It's hard letting go, finding new balances. I feel better about my recent dilemnas but overall I feel a little lost, honestly.

Day 338: I Would Walk 500 Miles...

2008-12-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

"Yes and I would 500 more, to be the man who walked a thousand miles and fell down at your door."

I'm heading out of my hotel now to go to Chi's dorm. I'm only going to be there for a few hours and I'm going to get very little sleep. However, she didn't want to come to the hotel tonight, so I'm going to trek about 20 blocks in near-freezing weather so that I can spend some time with her. How's that for love and devotion?

"And you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight."

Day 337: Arrived

2008-12-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

Traveling to the East Coast is not a fun experience. Hours stuck in a cramped plane and a three hour time change aren't fun. My shuttle driver wasn't very good, but he seemed like a nice guy so I tipped him extra, which was my good deed for the day. All of the travel was worth it, though, when I saw Chi. Her face lit up, we spent the night dancing and talking and generally enjoying one another's company. I truly feel at peace laying next to her.

Day 336: My December

2008-12-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonite I went and got Chi a webcam. Tomorrow, I head to Washington DC. Hopefully it will be a joyous reunion between myself and Chi. It will be the end of an era, my six month internship. It will be the last time I'll see some of the friends I've made. In many ways an end, but seeing as how it's not my death (at least I don't think so!) it will also be the beginning of something new. My sentiments currently:

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
These are my snow covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things I said
To make you feel like that
And I,
Just wish that I didn't feel
Like there was something I missed
And I,
Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

Give it all away
Just to have somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone to come home to

Day 335: Therapy

2008-11-30T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I spent some time talking to Adrina about various family issues and some health concerns she has. She's very brave, stronger than she gives herself credit for. I suppose the same could be said of me. I feel that I'm growing increasingly unstable emotionally. Adrina's also a very good listener, and honestly I've needed her to listen a few times. I'm starting to doubt my strength, and I'm wondering if I've given too much to others, allowed my will and emotions to be shaped too much by others.

Day 334: Holiday Tensions and Family Traditions

2008-11-29T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I went to spend some time with my good friend Travis, who is back from Reno for Thanksgiving. He was still working on decorating the house with Christmas lights when I got there, so I helped him and his brother finish putting them up. Later we went to see the movie Four Christmases, which was pretty enjoyable. Travis can get wound up about certain things sometimes, and while I understand it, I could tell his girlfriend Missy was getting upset about the way he was acting. I ended up in an extremely awkward car ride with the two of them. I had Chi call me so that I could semi remove myself from the situation, but that didn't really work. As Travis and Missy continued to talk, I realized that he was missing the point she was trying to make. I knew that realistically it was a very bad idea to get further involved, but I felt like I might be able to help out if I did something bold. So, I hopped out of the backseat of the car, walked to Missy, who was standing outside talking to Travis through the driver-side window, and interrupted them. I gave her a hug, asked Travis if I could borrow her for a minute, and took her aside. I told her "Everything's gonna be alright. Travis loves you very much, he's just a silly boy. Boys learn very slowly. I know I did and I've made all kinds of mistakes. I'll get him to understand and have him call you later. I'm the hero; this is what I do. Go and try and get some rest and calm down." I gave her a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and she went inside her house. As Travis and I drove back to his place, I laid things out for him, and in the end I think he understood and things worked out pretty well. The best part of the whole night was the touching text Missy sent me:

Thank you so much for pulling me aside tonight. Really, it meant a lot--and I'm very sorry for any negativity I created in your night. Next time we all hang out we'll just have make up for it with some Oh Shit [author's note: it's a card game] tournaments. You're the best, and a hero--thank you... Can't wait to see you again over winter break.

You're welcome. And I can't wait to see Travis and Missy and the Brewer family again. They're all great people.

Day 333: Uncle Howie

2008-11-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

This evening I got a call from a dejected Matt asking me what I was up to. Having homework, work, and miscellaneous tasks that needed doing, I replied, "Not much." He told me that he had been planning on spending the evening with his ex's son, Daniel, but that circumstances had unexpectedly changed. I went over and kept him company, although it's very difficult. I can feel his frustration and pain, and it's emotionally draining as I have to deal with my own past and present situations while trying to cheer him up and keep his mind from heading in the wrong direction. Thankfully, Angie changed her mind, so I left shortly after we picked up little Daniel.

Day 332: Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I gave my mom a good Thanksgiving meal. She...well it's hard for her. Dad and I are really the only family she has, in terms of people that she can share traditions with. Her other relatives are in other states. We're the only people that are here. It hurts her to see such a major family day start with her in the kitchen, dad in his room, and me in my room. After she spends half of the day cooking, we spend 10 minutes eating, mostly in silence, and before all of us are finished, dad gets up and turns on the TV and I go and play videogames or resume my computer activities. She asked me not to do that this year. I didn't do it this year, but that wasn't the point. The point was I knew it was important for my mom so I did everything I could to give her a nice holiday. I came down fully dressed, as did my dad. We had a very pleasant conversation, praised mom's cooking, and generally had a nice family moment.

This day commemorates a false event, as the Pilgrims and their descendants did not have a meal giving thanks for the help of the Native Americans, they used them and discarded them. That being said, the day is established, and instead of taking the negative perspective of us celebrating genocide, I'd rather we recognize that while still taking advantage of having a day to reflect and give thanks.

Thank you:

Mom, for always being supportive, for being the shoulder I could cry on, for being my sounding board, for helping instill caring and love into my soul.

Dad, for your love. Your actions may not always be the best in my eyes but they are never misguided, because they are guided by love. I promise to be the person and do the things you weren't given the chance to be and do.

Chi, for being my best friend, for helping me find my way when I feel lost, for strengthening my will, for enduring the pain, for taking chances and making sacrifices, for loving me and teaching me about myself. Thanks for digging me up when I turn into another. Thanks for bringing me many of the best moments in my life. Thanks for all the smiles and laughs, the jokes, the psychic link. Thanks for the hugs, kisses, cuddles, every bit of physical affection. I will always be by your side, not even death would stop my love for you.

Adam, for being with me through it all. We're different but the same, true soul brothers. I look forward to the next ten years of our friendship.

Cory, for always being around. I know I can count on you in dire situations. You're a true fighter and I see your good heart.

Omar, for being my kindred spirit. You're one of my newer brothers, but it feels like we've known each other for much longer. Our personalities bond very well. I can always be 100% me around you.

Travis, for looking up to me, for being a loyal friend, for having a thirst for knowledge and action. Thanks for including me into your family. Thanks for always wanting to be my co-conspirator.

Matt, for being loyal and goodhearted. Past all the BS, you're one of the kindest and gentlest people I've ever met, and watching you with little Daniel proves that. I hope that everything works out well for you.

Daniel, for being my big brother. I've always wanted one of those.

Adrina, for telling me that I am strong and a hero. It's nice to hear from time to time.

Yo, readers! What are YOU thankful for?

Day 331: Round(about)trip

2008-11-26T23:59:00.000-08:00

This evening I went and paid a bill for my dad before heading to my friend Daniel's house to hang out. The trip between my house and his is about 8 miles. The trip from my house to the store in question to Daniel's house, however, was around 25 miles. It was a lot of driving, but hey, that's what kids are for, right?

Day 330: Anger Management

2008-11-25T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I talked my friend Matt down after he snapped at my other friend Ryan, who didn't take it very well. Matt's going through a rough spell, considering in the last few months he fell in love took on a child as his own son, quit drinking, got diagnosed as bipolar and got dumped for another guy.

Day 329: Call of Duty

2008-11-24T23:59:00.000-08:00

I received a distress call from Adrina as I was about to leave work today. She was staying late to do technical work for a school show, but received news that her sister had gotten surgery. She was really upset and needed to go home. So, I told her to ask to leave and I picked her up and took her home.

Day 328: Nourishment

2008-11-23T23:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I treated my friend Daniel to a healthful dinner at Del Taco.

Does anyone else wonder why cheap food is so unhealthy? It has all these additives that you'd think would increase the price, and yet if you want to get something simpler it's probably going to have an "organic" label on it and cost a boatload. Not only are more and more people starving as the economy continues it's gruesome, slow descent into the cold and dark underworld reminiscent of the Titanic, but more and more people are being pushed by time and budget restraints to eat unhealthily. I think I might give out some homemade meals before the year is done.

And on that note, damn: the year is almost over.

Day 327: Run Down To The Store, Will Ya?

2008-11-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I went shopping and bought my dad some components for his new Wii. I ended up getting him his early Christmas present as well.

Day 326: The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me

2008-11-21T23:59:00.000-08:00

This morning, after a conversation with Chi, I felt a bit disheartened. I was trying to reconcile so many things, trying to deal with a letdown, trying to keep from letting people down. I felt bad that in trying to do good things I had made mistakes. Then, the title of a Brand New album popped in my head. It made me contemplate the duality of humans, the fact that we are capable of great good and evil, and that in the end we have to be the masters of ourselves. Also, it reminded me that anyone who is conscious and not running on preconceived notions will face doubt, difficulty, a conflict between what is easy and what is difficult, what feels more right and how that connects to the rest of their lives. I felt better, but I still had emotion and pain rattling around inside. I wanted to hurt myself, but then I realized I had another outlet, one that I hadn’t taken advantage of years. Skateboarding. Exercise, pain, release. It felt good. I felt alive. When I got home tonight, I hooked up my dad’s Wii. That’s right, my father, age 67, purchased a Wii. Getting it integrated into the electronic morass took some thinking, but I pulled it off.

Day 325: Spendthrift

2008-11-20T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I bought lunch for Marco and Meredith. I tried a new eatery downtown, which is overpriced but moderately tasty. Money woes have me wondering how I’m going to get through the next two months, but in an unintelligent and charitable way that just makes my financial support during these times more valuable. I’m starting to try and limit my driving and bring meals from home.

Day 324: Eyes Open

2008-11-19T23:59:00.000-08:00

This evening was my last sociology class before finals, so it will probably be the last time I’ll get to talk to my professor and let him vent. I learn so much every time I’m around him! We watched a documentary called “War on Democracy” and I recommend it to anyone looking to broaden their view of U.S. foreign policy.

My current desires in order of importance: be within 15 miles of Chi, be done with school, start up activist writings. Over the weekend I went to the local Anti Proposition 8 rally and I really just want to start bringing things to people's attention, to try and build an online following and take some actions. I don't care how successful the project is overall so long as I educate and motivate some people. Let's boycott some businesses, write some letters, make some demands!

Day 323: As Nice and Foresighted as Forrest Gump

2008-11-18T23:59:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I took Adrina home from school. Later, I talked to her on the phone about things going on in her life. I, of course, have gone too far in my naive desire to be a good person, illustrated by how many entries in the past couple of months have been about Adrina. This was bound to lead to problems. I know that I now must step back, be supportive from a little farther way. It definitely won't be as easy as I'd like it to be, but that's what I get I suppose.

Day 322: Holding Down the Fort

2008-11-17T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I manned the phones at work by my lonesome. One of my coworkers had a doctor’s appointment and wanted to take the rest of the day off.

Day 321: Howard Watts III- Theralyst?

2008-11-16T23:59:00.000-08:00

Not nearly as catchy a title.

This evening I let Matt vent some more. His frustration and pain is not foreign to me, and I hope he can reach a more peaceful place soon.

Day 320: Howard Watts III- Analrapist

2008-11-15T23:59:00.000-08:00

The title is a reference to the show Arrested Development, and if you're not in the know, don't worry, it's not nearly as bad as it looks.

Tonight I spent some time hanging out with my friend Matt, trying to help him deal with his heartache and come up with a reasonable idea of how he can sort things out and what to expect. I even shared some personal stories so that we could commiserate.

Day 319: The Flood

2008-11-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, after midnight, I was engaged in a deep conversation with Chi. My emotions, now more uninhibited, went all over the place. It’s tough to control myself and I want to be able to do so more without compromising my open heart. I have no idea if that’s possible. I've made mistakes, foolish mistakes, and while I did what I thought was right, it's time to look out for the most important person in my life. I ran from the hurt but I can't do that without weakening our relationship, so it's time to face the pain again and immerse myself in her. Feelings and thoughts rushed through my head and when they subsided finally, I felt a bit of clarity. I think the whole talk, and to an extent our relationship and growth can be summed up by one of the last things we said to each other:

Chi: Thank you for calling back.

Me: Thank you for answering.

I won't let her go, and she's starting to let me in.

Day 318: The Diviners

2008-11-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

This evening I accompanied Adrina to a play. I thought that the performances were strong but I took issue with the script. She didn't like the set.

Day 317: Remenisce and Reflect

2008-11-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I went to a birthday celebration for my former boss, Fran. It was really good to see her and some of my other ex-comrades and catch up. My old job didn’t pay well enough and left me slowly spiraling into poverty, and it wasn’t easy, but I really enjoyed it. After that weekend with Chi, I decided that a career in the thick of politics is not for me. I can't put myself or my loved ones through the chaos and neglect inherent in a campaign. The only exception I might consider would be me running for an office, but that would still require a great deal of contemplation and discussion.

Later, after talking about my future role within my organization at a dinner with my boss, I took him to CSN to speak to a sociology class.

Day 316: Fatherhood

2008-11-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

The theme of today’s good deeds was dad. I got him something from the grocery store, installed a screensaver on his computer, and purchased and installed some nifty auction software to help with his Ebay addiction.

Speaking of which, I've felt a real longing to be a father recently. It's strange, I always thought it would be nice to have kids, but I've never yearned for the day that I could be a father until now.

Day 315: The Surge

2008-11-10T23:15:00.000-08:00

I feel rejuvenated! Today was a blitz of both personal accomplishments and good deeds! I Gave money to my mom and Chi to help them out, and donated money to the Great Basin Water Network (I believe it’s a worthy cause.) Also, I donated money to Three Square, our local food bank. After eating sushi with Daniel in celebration of his birthday, I went to the store and bought soda and snacks for everybody. As I left the store, I saw a Goodwill drop-off point and donated 2 plastic lawn chairs, 6 plastic pirate swords, and a stuffed animal. It's a common aspect of my personality to fall behind only to have the occasional fierce triumphant surge forward. Today was one of those days.

Day 314: Baker Part III- Snowstorm in the Arid West

2008-11-09T23:59:00.000-08:00

On the way back to Vegas, Launce and I stopped in Pioche for lunch. And while we were there, a snowstorm hit. It was bizarre but aside from the fact that it slowed us down a bit it was really quite nice to see the desert landscape with a light dusting of snow.

This evening, after I got back into town, I headed over to Daniel’s house. On Thursday night I crashed after telling him I’d bring the last two Harry Potter books to his workplace. The next day I went to Baker, where I’ve had no cell phone reception. The cumulative result of this is that Daniel thought I was dead in a ditch. I felt really bad and so I came over, delivered the books, and treated him to teriyaki.

Day 313: Baker Part II- Archaeological Mystery

2008-11-08T23:59:00.000-08:00

So apparently, there is an area about 5 miles away from Baker that has nearly miraculous cell phone reception. Launce went to make a call, so I tagged along and took advantage of the moment to call Chi. It was a very brief call, and I feel bad about being unavailable for her. Also, it’s the only chance for a good deed out here, as the population is very small and activities are…limited. The locale makes me feel a bit out of place. I truly stick out as both a city boy and a person of color who’s not Native American. That all being said, most of the people at this meeting really impress me and I’m enjoying learning more about the water pipeline issue and where the fight currently stands.

Day 312: Baker Part I- Much Ado About Nothing

2008-11-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Today I traveled to Baker, NV. Due to my complete lack of knowledge about parts of Nevada that are not part of the Las Vegas Metropolitan Area, I had no idea if/when we’d lose cell coverage. Turns out, there is no cell reception in Baker! So, I got my coworker and friend Launce to let me use his roaming coverage on his cell phone to call Chi, tell her what’s going on, apologize for not calling her sooner and being out of touch for most of the next 2 days. My phone had no coverage whatsoever. I suppose that phone call could be considered barely avoiding inconsideration, but I choose to call it a good deed. Launce drove and I saw some truly breathtaking landscapes in between naps. Since the election, I’ve had two major crashes each night and nodded off now and then on the 5 hour trip here. Unfortunately, Baker is not a very happening place, so all I have is basic television and a computer sans internet to keep me entertained when I’m not learning about water fights.

Day 311: Catch Up (Or is it Catsup?)

2008-11-06T23:59:00.000-08:00

During work today, I took a walk with my colleague to the post office, and he updated me on various aspects of his life including his moral quandaries, which I offered my input on. Later this evening, I finally caught up with my mother over dinner. My treat.

Day 310: Adobe Is Evil

2008-11-05T23:59:00.000-08:00

This evening after work I went over to Adrina’s house and made her computer capable of reading pdf files. Shame on Adobe for making such a bulky program (it wouldn’t install on her computer due to system requirements) and congratulations to whoever created the much smaller 3rd party program I eventually did find and install. On another note, some things seem changed today. Almost unnaturally calm, as if everyone was doing what I was: taking in nature, taking in the environment, feeling the weight removed, the uncertainty and excitement of a new era.

Day 309: The Beginning, The End, The Continuation

2008-11-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

Finally. I wish I could say that I was at a loss for words, but that is certainly not the case. Today I gave people rides to the polls that otherwise probably would not have voted. It felt really good to provide a service like that. I really miss serving people; I understand that unless systems and policies are changed, service is like a band-aid on a hemophiliac with a cut. At the same time, the fight is so difficult, a battlefield where sides change and morality gets blurred as clarity of purpose becomes mired in financial considerations and political negotiations. People so often lose their significance in the eyes of philanthropists, good-hearted organizations end up as mercenary bands, power remains consolidated and corrupts those who hold it. I think it’s harder for that mess to happen when you have to spend more time in the streets DOING for others. I yearn to do again, to create more than ideas and interest.

I took my friend Omar, who has a defined political ideology but has never really gotten involved in anything, to the Democratic Party’s victory celebration tonight. It floored both of us. We are at an interesting point in history, a chance for accelerated progress. At this point, I reflect on world history and see the light; we have as a race moved forward since the beginning. We have advanced our technology, our science and logic, our thoughts. Slavery, a basic exercise of power, is at its lowest level since early human civilizations, most likely. We make take steps back or stand still for a spell, but the trends of time have spoken tonight, and they have told us to get up and move forward. I’ve seen amazing involvement over this campaign season, watched people come out from their hiding places and contribute to the struggle for progress. Tonight is the beginning of something significant I believe, an awakening of humanity in this country, a reinstallation of hope, an opening of the vault of American emotion and empathy locked away after seeing the poorest of responses from the richest of nations to catastrophes like 9-11, New Orleans, and the current housing crisis. We have the opportunity to not only make Barack Obama be the president we want him to be, but to make ourselves and our societies the places we want them to be. I am committing to help my communities by taking visible action and providing my guidance and advice. I am committed to helping President-Elect Obama (I think that is going to stir chills and evoke emotion for a while) fulfill the message of his election speech, even if that means fighting him from time to time. For the first time in 7 years, I am truly proud to be an American.

Day 307: Beautiful Letdown

2008-11-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I took Chi to the airport. Her stay here passed so fast. I feel like a failure. With the election so close, I spent as more time at work than I did having some quality personal time with her. I left from work to take her to the airport and then returned. I’m so happy that she was here, but I’m upset and saddened that it couldn’t be the experience we wanted it to be. When we split, I got busy to deal with the pain. And now the calming and numbing sound of the river has taken me to the white rapids; I’m moving too fast, and I’m getting bashed against the rocks.

2 days.

Day 306: Reunion

2008-11-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I took Adrina to her auditions, which required the aforementioned portfolio.

Chi and I went to see Travis today. His mom made us delicious grilled cheese sandwiches, we played cards, and it was a nice oasis of relaxation in a tumultuous sea of business. I wish I wasn't working this weekend, and that I wasn't so wiped out, and...well there's nothing that can be done about the things I wish didn't happen so I guess I'll just do the best I can. 3 days.

Day 305: Birthoween

2008-10-31T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I printed and delivered some pictures for Adrina’s technical theatre portfolio.

Today, in addition to being Halloween, which I feel I've grown out of, is Chi's Birthday! We dressed as the Crazy 88 and attended a double feature of Zack and Miri Make a Porno and High School Musical 3, the latter of which seemed in many ways like a better produced rehash of the first High School Musical. It was a really fun night that made up for a day that was largely lackluster.

In other news, a friend of mine, Mike, has done a really tremendous job of getting young people involved, albeit to a certain extent it's through coercion. Mike's one of my heroes because he doesn't let mishaps get him down and he is very direct in pursuit of his goals. 4 days

Day 304: The Return of the Queen (Of My Heart)

2008-10-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I made sure to cover my coworker so that she could take off early. We’re working late every night, and each person takes different nights. I picked up tonight because my coworker was not feeling well. Later, I went to see Adrina’s show at my old high school. It was really good, and it was unfortunate that I had to leave early. However, it was substantially more fortunate that Chi got back into town tonight! It’s so good to see her again; I seem to have forgotten how what it’s like to have her around. That’s a bit upsetting, but overall I’m ecstatic to have her at my side again and to celebrate her birthday with her. Oh, and 5 days.

Day 303: Life is Unfair

2008-10-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I sent a classmate of mine the answers to a test that was due. Academic dishonesty? Yes. However, my instincts told me that this guy was a kind-hearted person, a Macedonian immigrant trying to make his way here. Why not help make his life a little easier? A note about cheating, while I’m thinking about it. Cheating is not following the rules. Now, we live in an unfair world. People with power make the rules, break the rules, change the rules, and bypass the rules. In a world like that, it seems to me that, depending on circumstances of course, cheating may be the right thing to do when life deals from the bottom of the deck. Depending on the action taken, the people impacted, and the reasons, cheating may very well be a noble exploit. I would not dare to call what I did a noble exploit, but I will say it’s a good deed. 6 days.

Day 302: Exodus

2008-10-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today, I volunteered to take my boss, Bob, to the airport. 7 days.

Day 301: Lean on Me

2008-10-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Back to the grind today. I gave Meredith a ride home, although I’ve temporarily suspended going to class. This semester has been really rough on me (or perhaps it is the other way around,) and I’m hoping to get by with decent grades. Anyway, later this evening, Adrina was depressed and I tried to console her. I am truly lucky to be able to keep my outlook positive most of the time, when I look at friends who seem to constantly be plagued by doubt and unfortunate outcomes. Perhaps I am deluding myself. But even if that is the case, it is that delusion that lends me the strength to tell others that things are going to get better, that lets my shoulder hold the tears of those in distress, that allows me to fight to make people’s lives better. Here's a song that's pretty popular at Camp Anytown:

Lean on Me by Bill Withers (also the title of a film in the uplifting school drama genre)

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

Day 300: Camp Part IV- Dreamtime Return

2008-10-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Camp seemed to go by so quickly. It was great meeting new people and seeing returning friends. This afternoon, I put my health card and kitchen experience to use, helping do dishes. Jonathan has a lot of experience with cooking and cleaning kitchens due to the fact that he’s a firefighter. It felt really good to help him out, but also reminded me of why I was so glad to get a desk job.

I saw the stars last night while I camped out waiting to prank a cabin. More stars than I had seen in a while. I saw at least 5 shooting stars as well, and made a wish. I don't want to break the secret shooting star wish pact, but I think I can disclose that it was about Chi. I thought about her at night, called her during the few times I was able to get to a phone, hoped that she didn't need to hear my voice urgently. I can't wait to see her.

Day 299: Camp Part III- Troublemaker

2008-10-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I played the role of firestarter during the most important exercise at camp. I’m sure there are some people who might disagree with the methods used here, which are designed to heighten emotions and transfer hurt and outrage into desire for change and the will to act. Often, a majority of the kids don’t think that stereotypes effect them, or that they are incorrect. When I noticed this stall, I made a few remarks to try and bring the point home to them.

Day 298: Camp Part II- Pulling Back, Pushing Forward

2008-10-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

So, an integral part of camp is discussion. It’s how the delegates (AKA: kids, campers) process the activities that they are going through and how we make sure they are actually pushing themselves to a higher level of thinking. Usually the most candid discussions take place in small groups. We have a lot of new advisors this year that have the challenge of learning how the camp works while trying to pull emotions and information from the delegates. This is a very difficult combination. As a councilor, my main job is to look out for the delegates in my cabin, not to do the advisors’ work. That being said, my good deed for today was to help those advisors challenge the delegates. The basic questions only scratch the surface and only somebody who has been through the camp can quickly come up with hard-hitting follow-ups. I waited until the advisors were done with their questions so as not to seem to step on their work, and I think that they appreciated my added input. On a completely unrelated note, I saw the stars tonight and it was amazing. Also, we had a nice campfire with tasty smores. Oh, and one last note, work is not crumbling without my presence. Now I can be fully emersed in the camp experience.

Day 297: Camp Part I- Escape from the City

2008-10-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I returned to Camp Anytown. It’s a camp designed to help foster an inclusive society that fights systems of oppression and their root causes. I did it a year and a half ago and loved it, but have been unable to return until now. In a way it’s cathartic, especially in this extremely busy election season, to spend 3 days in the mountains, with no internet access, no cell phone reception, clean air, and plenty of walking. It requires that I scribble notes about my good deeds on paper and then transpose them to computer later, but is that really a big deal? This morning as I tried to get things in order before I left, I felt so stressed out. Part of me felt like I was somehow shortchanging work, that I wasn’t dedicated enough, that I was going to be unavailable when I was needed. Honestly, I don’t think that will be the case, although I’m still feeling residual worry. I don’t like that I feel that way, and I’m looking forward to the end of the election cycle.

This evening I helped Jonathan, our cook/medic/donor/fireman/awesome guy, unload his car. Tomorrow, the kids arrive.

Day 296: Technicalities and Drama

2008-10-22T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening I talked to Adrina and she vented about the frustrations in her life. Oh high school…

Day 295: Civic Duty

2008-10-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I took my friend Daniel to vote! He voted for the first time and he didn’t want to go by himself. It’s amazing to see so many people inspired to come out and vote, either for the first time, or for the first time for a long time, or even for a candidate that they truly feel good about. We should all cast a vote, at the very least for major races such as the president and congress, because a vote is part of our voice. Even a vote for a person who doesn't win or who has no chance is a message. I finally resolved my inner conflict, and today cast a vote, not for change, but for progress.

Day 294: Low on Energy, Struggling to Remain Standing

2008-10-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

Part two of the pitiful partaking comes today. I had to drag myself to my weekly dungeons and dragons gathering this evening. I wish that I was doing more, but the lesson I think I’ve come away with is that sometimes friendship is difficult; we become so caught up in our lives that we lose touch from the people we care about, retreating into ourselves. Sometimes just pushing ourselves to stay open to our loved ones is a victory of heroic proportions, a triumph over apathy and introversion. Of course, for more extroverted individuals, I’m sure this entire equation would be different. But for those like myself who sometimes must make the effort to stay in touch, I believe it is worth it.

Day 293: Bachelor Party

2008-10-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

It is almost hard to believe it has come to this. I have become so run down and busy that attending basic social engagements takes effort, and hence what others might perceive as basic courtesy has for me become a strenuous good deed. On that note, I went to my friend Chris’ bachelor party tonight. It was different than most bachelor parties I suspect: it consisted mostly of the future groom getting drunk, shooting pool, and playing an involved strategy board game.

Day 292: Heartbreak!

2008-10-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to Matt’s parents’ house for dinner, and consoled him over his breakup. I don’t know the full story of what happened, but I do know that Matt went out of his way to become a better person and to communicate more. In return, he got his heart handed to him. I’m not saying he never made any mistakes; I’m not saying that it wasn’t just an unfortunate coincidence, but I will say that from what I heard, I’m a bit upset at the lady for making some unwise choices.

Day 291: Walkin'

2008-10-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I took another walk to the post office with my friend and colleague Marco. We seem to understand each other very well and in the middle of a busy day during a busy season in a monumental election year, it’s nice to have that moment of calm and clarity.

Day 290: Welcome to the Bandwagon

2008-10-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening, I introduced a magical and mysterious world to Daniel: I loaned him the first 5 Harry Potter books.

Day 289: Vestiges of the Past

2008-10-15T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening I spent a couple of hours talking to Adrina about her ex. It was the first time I actually talked to her on the phone. I will generalize the issue more and say that she was upset about people’s ability to act in such an uncaring manner. She has to decide whether or not she’s in a relationship that’s worth continuing. Personal history definitely counts for something, but people change and sometimes two individuals are no longer compatible. It is one of the hardest things to deal with, reconciling who people were or who you thought they were with who they are now. I think that some people just don’t want your help; some people don’t care if they hurt you; some people are best left to themselves. I’m still trying to figure out if I should let go, because part of me feels guilty for giving up. Anyway, that’s what she was dealing with, and the least I could do is listen to her pain and try and help her reach her own decision.

Day 288:Feed the Hungry

2008-10-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

I found out through a blog called the Blue Sage Views that the Winnemucca food bank was in trouble, so I donated a few dollars to them to help keep people fed. As the recession continues, demand for food is going to increase. Although in a very limited way, I’ve known what it was like to go hungry or to ration food due to a poor family financial situation. Most of us, even when “broke,” do not have to worry about how we’re going to eat. I encourage everyone to donate what change they can towards a food bank of your choice. Nobody should go hungry, especially not in the United States of America.

Day 287: Speak Truth To Power

2008-10-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I started up a monthly donation to Truthout. I really appreciate the service they provide and it really doesn’t cost that much to support them with a little bit of money on a regular basis. The stories that are picked are definitely left-leaning, but it’s a combination of news and opinion stories, and I find at least one good article every day through their email updates.

Day 286: The Rebirth of Fun

2008-10-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I picked up Adrina from her friend’s house and we went to the annual Renaissance Fair along with Adam, his girlfriend Angel, Omar, and Cory. Adrina had never been to the Renaissance Fair, and the guys really wanted me to go with them (so did Daniel, yesterday. You can't do it all...) We had a lot of fun, I haggled down the prices of almost everything I got, including a present for Chi, and we got wooden practice katanas to beat each other up with (it’s a boy thing.) I really want to have a renaissance outfit, and I was happy to be able to purchase my first part of it today! Huzzah!

Day 285: Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

2008-10-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I spent some time hanging out with Adrina. She’s busy working on her show at school most of the time. I’m actually looking forward to seeing the show, Elephant Man. LVA’s shows are more expensive than I’d like them to be but when I think about it they truly are well done, and I’m starting to think I made a poor choice in allowing myself to miss so many productions.

Day 284: I'm Coming Out

2008-10-10T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening, my coworker Launce and I were slated to go to the National Coming Out Day street festival and promote our organization. However, Launce had personal plans that he was trying to negotiate, so I told him I’d take care of it on my own. And take care of it I did. The weather today decided to suddenly be legitimately cold, and for the most part it was relatively boring as I sat around trying to get healthcare petition signatures at a gay pride event. Yes, that is as awkward a combination as it sounds. After 4 hours and barely more signatures, I went to kill virtual aliens.

Day 283: International Development

2008-10-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I donated 25 dollars towards a loan for school teachers in Sierra Leone. It's amazing how far out money goes in other countries, and everybody should try and contribute something towards lifting up those who are much less fortunate than us, whether they are in poverty here or abroad. Hey, Kiva has gift certificates, so you can give humanitarianism as a present this holiday season!

Day 282: Whopper Evangelist

2008-10-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today, I told my friends, including all of you(!) about the exceptional offer at Burger King. Despite being tired, I made a discovery that few individuals make. You see, hidden on the back of every Burger King Reciept is a coupon. It lists a number to call; after you call it and take a short survey on your Burger King experience, you get a code that turns your receipt into a coupon for a free Whopper or Chicken Sandwich with the purchase of a drink and fries. In other words, you get the most expensive part of a combo meal written off! You have to take the survey within 2 days of going to Burger King, then you have 30 days to use the coupon. I’m not trying to promote Burger King, but in these tough economic times, if you’re going out to eat with any regularity, I thought it would be nice to know where one could get a good deal.

Day 281: Double Decker Train Wreck Express

2008-10-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

I took Meredith home from work today, again. I’m even more exceedingly tired than I was yesterday.

Day 280: Train Wreck Express

2008-10-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

I took Meredith home from work today. I’m exceedingly tired.

Day 279: Blood Ties

2008-10-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening I got a call from Daniel. He was absolutely fuming after an encounter with his mother in which she twisted the truth and insinuated that he didn’t care about his family. Then I went to his house and hung out with him for a bit until he virtually forgot about it. It seems that parents always know how to get under your skin in an instant.

Day 278: I'm Rich in Skills

2008-10-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

No rest for the wicked, and the righteous don’t need it. This morning I went and fixed Adrina’s computer, which was literally crippled with viruses and malware. Later, I transferred some money to my mom and Chi as gifts. On my way home, I called my dad and got him a cheeseburger, then stopped at the store so that my mom didn’t have to.

Today's item to ponder is: How much more money would I have if I charged people for my marketable skills, like fixing computers?

Day 308: Rising to the Occasion Since 2005

2008-10-03T23:59:00.001-07:00

Today I went canvassing with a volunteer and friend. A colleague really wanted us to finish going to our targeted doors today, and while I could’ve refused, everyone else had already done so, thus it seemed only polite to help out. I wasn’t feeling very sociable, so I drove and my friend hopped out and knocked the doors. I wish more people would put the extra effort in, and be forthright in recognizing when they are not doing so. 1 day.

Day 277: Homework Helpers

2008-10-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I did the best I could to help Chi with her homework and advise her on an essay she was writing. I’m a visual and hands-on person, so it’s always difficult to work on things that I can’t see, but I did the best I could. Speed reading Lysistrata while looking for passages with a certain context really burned out my brain and eyes.

Day 276: Indulgence

2008-10-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening, I was at a concert at the House of Blues Courtyard, where The Bleachers are playing. They are my favorite local band and definitely one of my favorite bands overall. I was sitting at a table with my friend Holly and she wanted a piece of cake but for some reason didn’t want to get it and didn’t want me to get it for her. So, I got it for myself and offered to share, which worked. Simple recognition and satisfaction of tiny desires such as that can be a nice thing to do, at least I believe so.

Day 275: Unexpected Results

2008-10-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening I discovered a good deed as I was talking to my professor after my Sociology class. As I listened and learned from a knowledgeable, radical, progressive cynic, he revealed something to me. He said “You know, talking to you is kind of cathartic, I feel like I get something off my chest every time we chat.” That really meant a lot to me. Also, it just goes to show that sometimes you’re doing more than you know for people. I ask that people who appreciate others, make a point of letting them know, because they don’t always know how you feel about them, and that can easily make someone’s day.

Day 274: Office Exercise

2008-09-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

We share our office with another organization, and I’m friends with the head of that group. Our two agencies have collaborated on various projects and today I took a walk with him because he seemed troubled. Office politics and temperaments can get pretty intense, especially when you’re doing political work during a major election. Some of my coworkers were upset at him due to what they perceived as him backing out of a project at the last minute. In reality, I think mistakes were made on both sides, particularly in the reaction of my coworkers. During these trying and tiring times, we need to be there for each other and accept when things don’t work out we need to avoid divisiveness. Ha, I’m sounding like Obama.

Day 273: Well That Was Direct!

2008-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening I gave Meredith a ride home from work again.

Day 272: Dr. Howard (Significantly Better than Dr. Phil)

2008-09-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I spent some time talking to Adrina about her family, friends, and past. We have a few unexpected past links, such as going to the same elementary school (at the same time) and living in the same apartment complex as kids. She’s gone through some pretty difficult things and been without someone who will listen to her and understand her. Her mother passed away, her father lives halfway across the country, her former significant other always treated her like crap, people don’t understand the humanism in her career field. She hasn’t had a shoulder to cry on, an understanding ear, a true friend. Until now.

Day 271: Brotherly Love

2008-09-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I spent some time with my best friends, Adam and Omar. There’s nothing that can soothe the soul like playing Halo with your brothers. And at this point in my life, I recognize that they are my brothers. Who cares about blood ties, these guys have been with me through a lot, and I’ve been with them through a lot. Now that we’re living our adult lives we don’t always see each other as much as we’d like, but on nights like this, it’s just like old times, and I love it.

Day 270: Free Stuff and Philosophy

2008-09-26T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today I treated Adrina to a free movie. We were going to see Burn After Reading, but we decided to see Choke instead because the timing was better. It was an interesting examination of what’s right and wrong, only it involved mental illness, sex addiction, reckless parenting, and delusions of grandeur. I really enjoyed it, as I do any critical examination of morality. The conclusion that the movie reached was that nobody is essentially all good or all bad, that there is no automatic condemnation or salvation, but that we can choose whether or not to do what is right, to see the good and/or the evil in ourselves.

As I continue my friendship with Adrina I recognize the many different factors involved and I’m trying the best I can to do what I feel is best for everyone. If I weren’t as bold, I probably would’ve intentionally kept our friendship from growing, for it would be far simpler. But heroes are always bold, right? And so, I navigate this balancing act, trying to engage without going too far, hoping for better outcomes than if I had just stayed away. It’s amazing how comfortable we become with our lives, forgetting at times that the thousands of people that we pass by each day could shape our lives in innumerable ways, and that any change occurrence can cause our paths to intersect. At the same time, I believe we ultimately have control of our personal interactions. We may not always like the available choices, but I don’t believe that anyone fundamentally changes your life unless you let them.

Day 269: I Hop, You Hop, We All Hop For...

2008-09-25T23:59:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I took my volunteer and new friend Adrina to IHOP. She told me that she doesn’t really hang out with any friends, so I made an effort to shake that up. I honestly couldn’t imagine how I’d get from day to day if I didn’t have the ability to break up the work-home cycle with the company of friends. I’m lucky to have that, and feel I should pass that gift on to others whenever possible.

Day 268: A Terribly Boring Day in the Normally Fascinating Life of Howard Watts III

2008-09-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

This evening on the way home from work I stopped at the store to get some things for the house so that my mom didn’t have to. I’m starting to get a better grasp of what her work life is: overworked, tired, only I think she is on the whole more appreciated than I am. Or at least, my mom doesn’t find out about or doesn’t share any negative commentary on her performance. It’s a bit strange to me, as I’m used to being given positive feedback whenever I’m doing a good job. It’s strange to be nit-picked at when I don’t believe I deserve that treatment.

Day 267: A New Element Discovered

2008-09-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

At my old job, good deeds were the nature of the work, and each staff member was vital. All of us were at every event. Now, I’ve realized that the dynamic is much different, and one of the benefits of that paradigm shift is the fact that I can perform work-related good deeds. By stepping up to the plate and spelling my coworkers from extra work, I help them out when they are sick or have other engagements. Today, for example, my coworker Beverly was tired and under the weather, so I covered her at a film screening this evening. This was actually really good for her, because we didn’t need all of our staff at the event.